Whatever God wants, he keeps

Warning: The post you are about to read means nothing. In fact, you can just skip it. It's just one of those ideas that was stuck in my head and needed purging. You should save time and just go get a cup of coffee.

Do you remember the movie Short Circuit? About the robot? Back when Steve Guttenburg was a comedic genius? (Sue me, I was 10).

One of my favorite jokes comes from that movie:

There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

I like to be a little rabbi-esque (yes that is a word, I wrote it) when it comes to my office. My garbage can and recycling bin sit next to each other against the wall by my desk. Since we have one of those overly complicated recycling programs here at work (remember, we eat food with food, or now with wooden spoons that don't melt as badly in the hot food, but do flatten out, so soon you're eating soup with a paddle, and it all tastes like toothpicks), I'm never sure if the coffee cup is recylable, or if I'm supposed to carry it over to the kitchen to go in the composting bin. And the kitchen is far away.

So I instituted my rabbi rule of recycling, also known as the ricochet rule of environmental friendliness:

I simply toss whatever it is that I need to dispose of, coffee cup, corn-starch fork, balled up piece of paper, whatever, directly at the wall. It's going to land in one of the bins (am queen of trash basketball).

I expect an award from Greenpeace or the Sierra Club any day now.

Another shining example of proper cursing usage

Alternate title - my mother would be so proud.

I'm not certain, but I think I just heard Brigit say, "jackass cat."

That'll do, Pig, that'll do.

Some days I wish I were Catholic

Because then I'd have a ready answer for this.

"Mom, if you put your hands in your underpants, do you get germs?"

"No, but you will go blind."

Several posts, wrapped into one

It is somewhat telling of what life has been around here, dealing with a certain not quite 5 year old bundle of joy, that, whenever I think of her tonight, a long night indeed, this is the song that I cannot stop singing.

New Year's 2011 - Resolution #1

Resolution #1 for 2011 - Be a less sucky parent to an elementary school child.

How's that working out for you? - I forgot that today was the first day of school and subsequently did not send my son. And right this second I'm praying that he simply didn't bring his mail folder home back in December, since it cannot be located here. And surely I would never lose a piece of his precious school stuff.

Day 1 of Resolution #1 - ass surely kicked.

Dachsunds

Did you know that a 4 year old who doesn't want to go to sleep is really hard to convince otherwise? At least when that 4 year old is, apparently, related to and raised by me.

In the infamous words of Calvin's father, "I wanted to get dachsunds."

Day 3, Random post 2 - the numbers are not looking good

Thoughts for another night, when I'm not working on China time:

- True confessions of a middle-class woman and her ridiculous access to resources. Oh the guilt.
- "Sonofabitch"
- Unnatural love of ginger ale. (The barrel, the bottom is scraped.)

Wednesdays suck. Wednesdays will continue to suck for the foreseeable future. Note to self, next time you decide to reinvigorate your blog, choose to do so in a month with no Wednesdays.