Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My parents are so glad we're visiting

Scene: The dining room, finishing dinner
Grownup: Brigit, don't pick your nose.
Rory: She always does that, she eats it too.
Me: Brigit, that's gross.
Brigit (whispered): But, mom, when I go to bed, sometimes I'm still hungry.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Innocence retained for one more year

Rory: Mom, do you buy the things on my Santa list?
Me: Why would I buy the things on Santa's List? That doesn't make sense.
Rory: I'm just trying to figure out if Santa is real.
Me: What do you think?
Rory: Touche, Mom, touche.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Dream 1/3rd achieved

Tuesday -
Brigit: Can farmers be singers?
Me: Yes.
Brigit: Can I be a farmer rock star singer when I grow up?
Me: Baby, you can be anything you want.
Today -
Rory: Brigit! I saw your face on a rock!
Brigit: I'm a rock star!!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ayudame, ayudame, estoy en agua

My children are in the backyard, splashing in the plastic pool and playing something I can only term "drowning." As though a not so little nearly 5 year old and a lanky 8 year old could drown while standing in less than a foot of water. Yes, standing in the water. The main objective of this game seems to be screaming, "I'M DROWNING, I'M DROWNING" at the top of one's lungs while kicking the water out of the pool.

One can only hope that the neighbors, before dialing 911 or at least CPS, bother to look out the window, lest they assume that I permit my children to drown, perhaps as punishment for refusing to make mommy that margarita.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Clearly there is something wrong with me

Because this is what I think every time Brigit sings this god-forsaken song:

Where is Thumbkin?
Where is Thumbkin?
Here I am!
Here I am!
You are an asshole.
And so are you, an asshole.
Go away!
Go away!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

If only they knew about the rabbi-esque recycling program

I think my company needs to work on their environmental messaging. I just picked up a printout (ok, 3 printouts) of something I need to test. The statement on the cover sheet?

"You just killed a tree..."

Really? REALLY?

Technically I killed 2 (ok, 6) because somebody (cough cough) insists on printing cover sheets with smarmy messages on them.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Whatever God wants, he keeps

Warning: The post you are about to read means nothing. In fact, you can just skip it. It's just one of those ideas that was stuck in my head and needed purging. You should save time and just go get a cup of coffee.

Do you remember the movie Short Circuit? About the robot? Back when Steve Guttenburg was a comedic genius? (Sue me, I was 10).

One of my favorite jokes comes from that movie:

There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

I like to be a little rabbi-esque (yes that is a word, I wrote it) when it comes to my office. My garbage can and recycling bin sit next to each other against the wall by my desk. Since we have one of those overly complicated recycling programs here at work (remember, we eat food with food, or now with wooden spoons that don't melt as badly in the hot food, but do flatten out, so soon you're eating soup with a paddle, and it all tastes like toothpicks), I'm never sure if the coffee cup is recylable, or if I'm supposed to carry it over to the kitchen to go in the composting bin. And the kitchen is far away.

So I instituted my rabbi rule of recycling, also known as the ricochet rule of environmental friendliness:

I simply toss whatever it is that I need to dispose of, coffee cup, corn-starch fork, balled up piece of paper, whatever, directly at the wall. It's going to land in one of the bins (am queen of trash basketball).

I expect an award from Greenpeace or the Sierra Club any day now.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Another shining example of proper cursing usage

Alternate title - my mother would be so proud.

I'm not certain, but I think I just heard Brigit say, "jackass cat."

That'll do, Pig, that'll do.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Some days I wish I were Catholic

Because then I'd have a ready answer for this.

"Mom, if you put your hands in your underpants, do you get germs?"

"No, but you will go blind."

Friday, June 10, 2011

Several posts, wrapped into one

It is somewhat telling of what life has been around here, dealing with a certain not quite 5 year old bundle of joy, that, whenever I think of her tonight, a long night indeed, this is the song that I cannot stop singing.

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year's 2011 - Resolution #1

Resolution #1 for 2011 - Be a less sucky parent to an elementary school child.

How's that working out for you? - I forgot that today was the first day of school and subsequently did not send my son. And right this second I'm praying that he simply didn't bring his mail folder home back in December, since it cannot be located here. And surely I would never lose a piece of his precious school stuff.

Day 1 of Resolution #1 - ass surely kicked.